Get Out of the Car!


Anger, Anger Everywhere…

Sometimes things flow. This week seems to be one of them.

First we had Bully Bosses. Then the Bully Bosses fired the middle-age waitresses for not being a size 2 or 4.  And, today – Is Your Diet Making You a Jerk?

I’m a “why” kinda gal. If we don’t understand the why of Domestic Abuse it’s a pretty good bet we won’t be able to resolve it. 

Turns out, one of the reasons may have to do with our fixation on Size Zero.

“Reaching for an apple instead of chips may feel righteous at the time but cause you to lash out later, suggests a new study…”

“Lash out later.” And who do you think we’re lashing out at? Our partners. Our kids. Our friends. Our family. Our employees.

Lashing out with Verbal Abuse because we’re not hitting the Size Zero/Abs of Steel standards.

Lashing out because those physical standards are more important in our society than the psychological ones of Kindness, Respect, Consideration and Support toward other Human Beings.

Or not lashing out and letting it build and build and build until the pressure cooker explodes. (Do you even remember pressure cookers – they came before crockpots – crockpots are better) 

“A growing body of research suggests that willpower might be a limited resource, the study authors say. Once it’s tapped, we may lose control more easily.”

Another study found a Toddler’s self-control predicts success more than IQ

Hmm, if we’re not all-stars in self-control and utilizing willpower makes us angry…

With all the pressure to be thin, we’re using up our willpower resource fending off cookies instead of holding our tongue –  or our fists.

We’re feeding Domestic Abuse or Domestic Violence instead of our bellys.

 And, even with all that focus on diets and willpower, we’re getting fatter.  And angrier:

Man who put woman in coma over parking spot claims self defense

Ohio French Fry McDonald’s Dispute: Attacks With Mop

Road Rage Capitals of the U.S.

If parking spaces and french fries and driving habits evoke rage, imagine what’s happening at home…

Given these new findings, a first step toward curbing Domestic Abuse could well be a return to some sensibility about size and a renewed focus on acceptance of our own individuality.

It shouldn’t be about size – it’s about soul. So go have some cookies and ice cream and 

Get Out of the Car!  

 

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Not a 2, Not a 4 – Hit the Door!

On the heels of our delve into Bully Bosses comes this:

Waitresses fired when new uniforms don’t fit. Middle-aged casino waitresses fired after told they don’t look good in new uniforms

I could take a lot of paths on this – the layers of Abuse are rampant.

 “…the process of being judged in the uniform was humiliating.”

“I can’t think of anything I’ve dealt with that was more disgusting and dehumanizing than what they’ve done to these women,…”

And yet the casino defends its position.

So, let’s go home with these “bosses”…

“Putting on a little weight, there. Think you really ought to eat that?” she chides. (Controlling, Domination)

“Are you stupid?” he screams when you ask if he wants dessert. “You don’t need dessert.  Have you looked in the mirror recently?”  (Verbal Abuse)

“Hey, let’s go out to dinner.” Then, as you’re dressing to go out, “Wear that little red sun dress I like. Oh, it doesn’t fit?” (like he doesn’t know that) (Gaslighting)

“Yeah, you should have seen him when we got married. Someone stole those abs of steel” she laughs.  (Character Assassination)

The above conversations go on everyday between “loving” partners. They may seem bland, hardly abusive, but the layers of innuendo tear into your Self-esteem and undermine your self-image. That’s why Domestic Abuse is so insidious. It’s not blatant, like Domestic Violence. It’s not a one-punch knockout. Its a consistent pummeling that finally lands you on the mat, unable to function, lights out.

“…the only sizes to be found were size 2 and 4.”

This size-10 fatty would have been buck-naked for the judgemental pics that determined whether or not I had a job!

There’s an old saying about “it’s the little things that count.”

It is the little things; little things that accumulate, like a cat’s hairball, until you’re choking on the pain and your Self-esteem is as distant a memory as his abs of steel.

If your little things are belittling you, 

Get Out of the Car!



When the Bully is the Boss

I get a lot of emails from my alumni association – most looking for money. This week I got a surprise – a survey on Bullying at Work. Hey, you know me – click, I’m there.

And, I found the 60+ questions tough! I thought, rethought, changed answers numerous times, each time asking myself, “Is this bullying or just bad management?”

You know what struck me? I had no problem identifying a scenario as bullying when it was a public event, but when the situation was private I vacillated more. And, then what struck me was that vacillation is EXACTLY why Domestic Abuse remains so prevalent. Most of us, contrary to the examples in last time’s blog, know that public humiliation is wrong. But, in private we have different standards. We’re a tad more forgiving of behavior that we’d never accept in public when it’s dished out in private. I wondered about that.

And, came to this conclusion: When abuse is dished out in private we don’t have any support; no one who can agree that what’s going on is improper; there’s no sounding board to concur that it’s not us – it’s them! The more the Verbal Abuse and Character Assassination and Constant Chaos assault us, the less rational we become; the more we question our own standards. We begin asking the question, “Is this bullying or just a bad relationship?”  – which, of course, we can fix. (We can’t but that’s for another time.)

This survey is open to all: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/bully-at-work

 I hope you’ll take it. Your input is a chance to begin changing the tone of our workplace, the place where many of us are held hostage and face the daily terror of Domestic Abuse just so we can keep the paycheck coming in.

In the meantime, maybe some of these articles will help you deal with the Bully Boss cuz chances are you’ll run into more than one during your career  no matter how big the HR department is at your job.

“because Wal-Mart gives local store managers discretion to use subjective criteria such as “teamwork, ethics, integrity, and the ability to get along with others” in evaluating employees for raises and promotions, its decisions are especially vulnerable to the influence of sexism and sex stereotypes.”

If Walmart’s HR department can’t stop Domestic Abuse in the workplace whose corporate policies can? The answer is none. The same Napoleans and Misogynists and Dominators and Narcassists and Controllers who terrorize us at home terrorize us at work because that’s who they are; because we need a roof over our head and food in our tummy; because the same duplicity we deal with in our personal relationships exists in our business relationships.

Gear up that Monster account, steel yourself against the tactics of Bullying Bosses and know this: It’s not you, it’s them, and it’s time to 

Get Out of the Car!  



Public Shaming – What a Shame!

Laughs come rather easy when you look at the photos, but I really think this is a brilliant way to deal with difficult kids and minor criminals.  Public humiliation has a huge effect on people and really is an effective tool.

I didn’t laugh at the photos of children and adults forced to wear their failings in public. I certainly didn’t find it a “brilliant way to deal with difficult kids…”

Humiliation does have a huge effect on people – a huge negative effect – and is a favored tactic of Abusers:

Beverly Engel says in The Emotionally Abused Woman, a Verbal Assault “involves berating, belittling, criticizing, name calling, screaming, threatening, blaming, and using sarcasm and humiliation.”

Character Assassination “occurs when someone constantly blows your mistakes out of proportion; gossips about your past failures and mistakes and tells lies about you; humiliates, criticizes, or makes fun of you in front of others; and discounts your achievements.” 

Which lesson do you think resonated more clearly for these publicly humiliated people? The lesson they were supposed to “learn” or the lesson that it’s ok for someone who has power and control over you to humiliate you?

I’m guessing the latter. I’m guessing they learned that it’s important to have power and control over others; that with that power it’s acceptable to “teach them lessons;” that Humiliating others is “a brilliant way to deal with difficult” people.

Those lessons reinforce Domestic Abuse – in the home and workplace; among friends; in our media. They perpetuate a society that believes Humiliation of another is not only an acceptable tactic, it’s “brilliant.”

They perpetuate a society where Humiliation is not only acceptable but “funny”:

‘South Park’s’ top 10 cruelest celebrity send-ups – Dead or alive, stars suffer same cartoonish fate on brutally funny show

They perpetuate a society where new Abusers are created daily and the eradication of Domestic Abuse has little hope of being achieved. 

“Brilliant” isn’t Public Shaming. “Brilliant” is making the choice to

Get Out of the Car!



I’m Feeling Puny…

Even when you get out of the car, you live in this world so it’s guaranteed you’ll run into MORE cars…

I’ve been running into my share of late and it’s taking it’s toll, which means the stressors on my psyche are showing up in the ol’ bod (and in my case ol’ is most appropriate.)

Work is a struggle and I’m a bit of a perfectionist. For bosses, this is great. For P.T. – not so great. Notice I said, “bit.” Clearly, I wasn’t enough of a perfectionist for my junk heap, but dealing with DA is like that old saying about close only counting in horseshoes and hand grenades. No matter how much of a perfectionist you are Ms. or Mr. Pleaser, you won’t please enough. Nor is the effort worth it.

All that submission to avoid confrontation, to be more lovable, to meet your Abuser’s multitude of needs is creating stress that is wearing your body down as surely as grinding teeth in your sleep leaves you headed for dentures.

In fact studies show the personality trait of perfectionism is linked to poor physical health and an increased risk of death.

In fact, if I were to pluck a few strands of hair (few being the operative word since my locks are falling out so fast the 8G Golden Blonde will soon be the color of my scalp) I wouldn’t be surprised to find that I’m headed for a heart attack.

If I had children at home, I’d be worried for them, too. New studies show Kids of mothers who had life-altering event were 71 percent more likely to have serious infectious disease.

Domestic Abuse is a life-altering event experienced daily in millions of homes. It’s not just making kids sick, it’s creating sick kids who will be the next generation of junk heaps that will make kids sick…

If you’re going to be a perfectionist, please, focus your efforts on  your health, not a junk heap.

Get Out of the Car!



Fresh Air!

Critics say a Nevada bill banning air fresheners and candles in public places would lead to stinky rooms and prohibit priests from using candles in Mass.

Sometimes what I read just incenses me. This is one of those times.  The Nevada legislature is worried about air fresheners… Air fresheners!!

We have critical Social Issues that need to be addressed and Nevada’s legislative body is debating the pros and cons of air fresheners in public! 

Hey, Nevada, maybe you ought to think about addressing  Parenting Skills:  

3-year-old found ‘in good shape’ after drunken father forgets where he put boy

Report: Wade to stop partying for custody

Woman locked up son in dog crate, police say

Mother charged in death of baby while she played on Facebook

Maybe if you did we wouldn’t have:

6 girls arrested over ‘Attack A Teacher Day’ Facebook group

He faces federal hate-crime charges for allegedly using a hot metal hanger to brand a mentally disabled Navajo man

Seven teens arrested in kidnapping, assault

Maybe instead of debating air freshness you ought to be considering things like,   Is it time to return to caveman parenting?

Personally, I would like some fresh air, Nevada! However, my idea of “fresh air” is a world where no one has to worry about whether it’s time to

Get Out of the Car!



10 Steps to the Relationship You Deserve

We all deserve a loving relationship. Here, noted psychotherapist and author Dr. David Richo outlines ten steps that will help you forge a loving and lasting partnership.

This article is dynamite. In fact, Step #1 is all you really need to read to decide whether you’re in a junk heap, cuz, if you are, Steps #2 – #10  are hopeless.

Richo outlines 5 A’s that are critical to a relationship. Needless to say, when I read the A’s in terms of my former car, I added my own A – ABSENT!

“A healthy, intimate relationship begins with someone we can trust. This is someone who consistently offers the five A’s that show love: We can rely on the one who loves us to pay attention to our words and feelings, to accept us as we are, to appreciate and value us, to show us affection in appropriate ways, and to allow us to live freely without attempting to control us. Both partners must feel free to show feelings without being interrupted, punished, or ridiculed for them.

Healthy: Pays attention to our words and feelings. 

Junkers: Use words & feelings for Emotional Blackmail, to deliver Unpredictable Responses, to unleash Verbal Assaults.

 Healthy: Accepts us as we are

Junkers: Have Abusive Expectations and Assassinate our Character

Healthy: Appreciate and Value us

Junkers: Constantly Criticize

Healthy: Shows appropriate Affection

Junkers: Use Sexual Harassment

Healthy: Allows us to live freely

Junkers: Dominate, dominate, dominate!

Read the whole article – it’s wonderful. But, if you’re short on time, just read Step #1. If you don’t get straight A’s

Get Out of the Car!

 




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